13 days later…
13 days since the last post. Oops.
It’s been a mixed 13 days. The majority have been ‘up’ days – I’d give it a 60:40 split in favour of ‘up’. Colleagues at work and TheChimp at home have all noticed a change since I started on the citalopram. Only way to describe it is that I’m now more switched on than I am switched off… and actually engage in conversation every now and then. I do feel calmer and less stressed in general, although the darkness pops in with a vicious reminder in fleeting moments here and there.
I’ve been accepted on to a local CBT Counselling service (RightSteps), but the waiting time is currently 2 months. In the meantime they’re giving me weekly mini checkup sessions by phone.
Today I had my ‘welfare’ meeting at work with my boss & the head of HR, explained the whole situation. They were very accommodating about it all… offered to make any physical changes to ease my working environment etc, all of which I’m fine with – I’ve already got the nicest office in the whole place, isolated off up in the attic with panoramic views and lots of daylight, and over the past 2 years have managed to kit it out with all the necessary comforts, so nothing really needs doing in that regard. I’m free to work from home whenever I feel it’s needed, which is also cool… but perhaps the best part is that they’ve offered to fully fund private CBT Counselling which can start anytime. I’ve got my first follow-up with my GP tomorrow so will discuss it with her and then let them know.
I’m very fortunate to have an employer who has policies and programmes in place to deal with supporting depression, whether caused by work or otherwise.
So, all in all it’s been a positive two weeks.
HOWEVER, theBoy is still ill. His pica over the past 8 years has finally culminated in an impacted bowel. This was diagnosed after an emergency hospital trip. His GP phoned in for us to notify we were coming, and on arrival the Child Assessment team already had a private room to one side ready… no waiting – straight in, straight into the room and get comfy. Took him a while to acclimatise himself, but eventually he settled in and took to playing with some of the toys and books, before being seen by the lovely Dr Ben.
At this point, full emotional detachment had to be turned on. The only way to get the required x-rays and blood samples was via brute force. 3 of us had to hold him still so they could get heart stats. 4 of us had to pin him down while the blood was taken, and myself and his mother had to don lead suits and wrestle him onto the table for his x-ray. All the while Boy screamed throughout. As soon as each procedure was done he immediately settled and was fine, but the process of having to switch everything off to get past the fact that you’re having to forcefully restrain and hurt your own child (in his own best interests) is crushing… it’s this frequent necessary emotional detachment that has ultimately led to my long term emotional issues in general.
Since then he’s had to go back in twice for further x-rays and ultrasound to monitor his ‘blockage’. Meanwhile, he hasn’t eaten properly in 3 weeks. He’s surviving on fluids only, is physically drained, weak and lethargic, and continues to be in abdominal pain.
As he gets older, this is likely to become a more frequent issue, and there’ll come a time when we’re unable to physically restrain him…