Today is a landmark kind of a day. I’ve finally given up trying to fix things for myself. Today I went to see my GP to ask for help with depression.
It all started coming to a crunch with some severe paranoia a few weeks back, which really rocked the boat at home, and for a while myself and theChimp were looking fairly grim when it came to a long term future… but she convinced me I needed help coping with my guilt issues, my withdrawal from all friends and family and social activities, anxiety attacks and agoraphobia. After spending a good few hours rehearsing in my head exactly what I wanted to say, and with lots of reassurance form the Chimp, I headed off to the GP (quite literally next door), and bared all.
I was bricking it. It’s a scary thing, asking for help with not being able to cope with life… admitting deep feelings about coping (or not) with raising theBoy, and rooted fears from past experiences that have had a lasting impact on my mental state. I have a generally apathy towards GPs anyway due to lots of bad experiences with them in the past. I’ve always felt like I’m being brushed off, a waste of their time, but recently changed surgeries and found a GP I feel comfortable with, so have gradually been getting used to going to see them when needed.
I also brought up a situation I haven’t mentioned on here which has become another enabler for my depression – pilonidal sinus abscesses… so I definitely did bare all… there’s something kinda grounding about asking someone for help with a mental health issue, sobbing your eyes out at the corner of her desk, then dropping ones pants and bending over to allow her to run a finger up ones crevice.
I’ve come away with a surgical referral for the abscesses, a prescription for antidepressants, and a referral for counselling and CBT… so the future is all a bit fuzzy. I’m still scared, but who wouldn’t be – First steps n’ all that on the road back to being me again…?